Colton - The Finale - WOW..... I didn't see this coming... from 1000000 miles away.

So when we last left Colton, I'm not sure you heard about this, but he had jumped over a WALL!  WHAT???  Cassie had left, and he was going to leave too.  He went wandering about the Portuguese country side whilst producers and PA's crapped their pants that they had lost their contestant.  Chris Harris pretended to be looking for Colton but I think he was going to be ok if they lost one.

Finally they found Colton, walking down the side of the road.  

 Colton was sad. Colton was frustrated. Colton's Worst Fears™ had been realized!  ACK!!!!  He wore a jaunty maroon scarf and proclaimed that he was DONE!!!!!

But then he slept on it, and like all things, it all looked better in the morning.  Chris came over to mess "talk" with him (and by talk I mean play mind game) and at one point straight out said "What if she's just not that into you?"  Which we all know is the truth but more about that later.

 So being the stand-up guy that he is, Colton had to go break it off with the other ladies.  Tayshia was just hanging in her little bungalow, thinking she was getting close to being one of the last two like she predicted on the night I decided I didn't like her anymore, when there came a knock on the door.  COLTON!  Surely he's here to loose his virginity (did you all know he's a virgin?  Well, he is).  Colton ushered her out the door, concerned for her lack of foot covering, and guided her to a convenient little bench right outside the door.  She looks so happy.  Colton stammers and starts and stops and she starts to get nervous, and so she hugs him and you can hear his heart BOOMING.  Lucky the boy didn't just drop dead right there.  He finally tells her that he's in love with Cassie and only Cassie and bless her heart, she looks ripped up.

She's MORTIFIED and I can't really blame her since like YESTERDAY he was supposedly in love with her.  She asks if they can talk, not in front of the cameras, so they go in her room, but of course still have the mic packs on.  So we hear her starting to sob.  OH NO WAIT!  THAT'S HIM.  SHE'S BEING FORCED TO COMFORT HIM WHILE HE BREAKS UP WITH HER. SHE EVEN SAYS SHE'S SORRY.  Whatever dude... I mean, I'm all about a guy who feels his emotions but you are leaving her to do all the work here.  Finally you can hear her start to cry. And then he says goodbye.

So now we're LIVE and Tayshia's ready to see Colton for the first time.  Once again she asks when he knew something had changed, and once again he didn't really answer.  These interviewy things are so boring. But she's "happy" for him and just wants him to be "happy."

So night two.  There's sweet Hannah, wearing the same shirt they've shown in her for like 3 episodes now. Bless her heart, she too is just sitting thinking any day now Colton will come and whisk her away.  She's so happy she's journaling about it.  Or just signing "Mrs. Hannah Underwood, Mrs. Hannah Underwood" over and over.

So Colton knocks on the door and she's SO excited and surprised and takes longer than she should to realize he's not nearly as happy as she is.  He starts in with the whole you're wonderful and you deserve better than this and then his her with his "you still feel like home..." just someone else feels HOMIER....

So he's crying, she's crying and once again somehow she's consoling him.

Back to the live show and Hannah is there all really sad.  She's just not sure what happened.

Colton comes out and she hugs him in the exact opposite of  a jump hug.  They talk, again she feels sad and surprised and confused and blah blah blah.... I mean... you could pretty write the script yourself.

Chris is now standing in front of the audience and telling us that we are about to see the MOST SURPRISING ENDING EVER OF A BACHELOR!!!!!!!!!  And one guy REALLY did seem quite surprised.

We have a lovely establishing shot of an old lady, pensively staring off into the void.....

While Colton is on the deck, staring pensively off into the void.

 Now he's sitting on the beach, staring pensively at the ground.

 Then he gets in the van, and starts looking out the window pensively.

 Now a beautiful street scene of an older gentleman in a jaunty cap, staring off into the void.

So Colton goes and knocks on Cassie's door, and she's SURPRISED.  And he said he wants another chance, and she's surprised.  And he wants to talk and she's surprised.

And then she's surprised some more. But agrees to go to Spain to meet his parents.

 Spain!!! Sheep!!!! Staring pensively off, into the void....

Here's Colton's whole family.  Brother, sister.. in.. law??? Mom, step dad, dad, step-mom.  They all can't wait to meet the two ladies that Colton has selected.  But first, he has news, he's no longer a virgin.  HA!!!!  His brother called it!!!  HA HA THEY KNEW IT!!!!  HA HA HA JOKES ON YOU HE WAS KIDDING.  Colton, you tricky trickster. NO, the REAL news is that there is only ONE girl left, and it's Cassie, and he loves her, and it's wonderful and oh... wait... she actually took off because she didn't think she could "get there" which I think is a new ™.

The crew meets Cassie and she is understandably nervous.  They chat a bit, then mom goes all Bachelorette and asks to steal Colton... So she expresses her grave concerns about this chick who has already run out on him once and she's NOT DUMB HERE COLTON.  (more on that later)  And Cassie ends up talking to Colton's dad, and he too expresses concern and she... kinda does too honestly.

 Then, in an ode to square dances of old, we swap partners.  And people are all still concerned.  I have to be honest, at this point I was so bored of this whole thing.   But dad did cry so we see where Colton gets it from.

It's finally time for their big date!!  Rappelling down a cliff to a waiting picnic.  Blah blah scared blah blah as long as you're with me blah blah I don't want an engagement I just want to take it one day at a time blah blah blah.

We now have like our 20th establishing shot of this hotel and one can only assume that they are a MAJOR sponsor. So it honor of that, I'm making this one extra large.

 In another surprise, we have a table set for 2 in some area that has what I can only assume is a menorah behind it?  And there's food on the table that never gets eaten and there's glasses of champagne for a toast and I would like feedback here - how many toasts (other than as the maid of honor at a wedding) have you given in your life?  Cause I'm like at zero.  So they talk for MAYBE five minutes and Colton pulls the fantasy suite card out, and DAMN for a girl who is confused and not sure, she sure knows she wants some SEXY TIME like NOW.

The go to the room and tour around and y'all, I know they had to change plans, but this has to be the most un-fantasy fantasy suite ever.  It reminded me a bit of a Hampton Inn we stayed at last summer.  But the bed is nice and they kick the camera people out.  And then have them come back to take off their mic packs THEN kick them out again.  The sound guy wishes them luck.  Colton puts the Do Not Disturb sign on the door, but it's in Spanish and it just feels a little awkward.

 BACK to the live studio and now Chris has Demi, Oneyka & Sydney, and ... crap... 3 bachelors from some point all there to talk about what they think is happening and for the LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY I JUST DON'T CARE!!!!  At least the ladies all seemed to just hope he was happy, which was nice.

 ONE LAST SHOT OF COLTON SHOWERING.  How will I go on without this in my life???

He and Cassie climb back in bed and he asks how she is and she says "My calves still hurt" and I'm thinking if that's the case, you're either doing it wrong, or your taking it to a level WAY PAST I'm still a virgin.....

Awww... it's Cassie and Colton, live and finally together.  They are so in love and Colton has moved to LA and they spend the weekends together and have fun.  And here's the deal.  I say this is over by September.  I did some research.  There have been 22 Bachelor seasons, and 14 Bachelorette.  ONE couple that got engaged at the end of the Bachelor is still together.  ONE.  6 couples that got engaged at the end of the Bachelorette are still together.  I'm sorry, but I'm going with the rest of the world with this one, Cassie went on this show for fun and travel and for some fans, NOT to get engaged, NOT to get married.  She's YOUNG and she shouldn't settle down yet.  I'm totally behind her on that.  So... we'll see how long Colton gets to keep touching her butt.

 In better news, they were serenaded by... .AIR SUPPLY!!!  I'm pretty sure neither of them know who Air Supply, and I'm pretty sure at least 70% of the audience had no idea, but I did and I LOVED IT!!!!!!  So fare-the-well Colton and Cassie.  I hope you have fun along the way.

 At this point really all I cared about was the announcement of who the Bachelorette was going to be.  And I was NOT disappointed.  It's HANNAH B!!!!!! I know some people find her awkwardness off-putting, but I REALLY find Hannah SO relatable and genuine.  She did get to speed date 5 guys right away, and she was SO nervous but so honest.  I will recap those later... because I'm tired.  But looking forward to May 13th!!!!!!!