Colton - Episode 9 - The Most Dramatic Bachelor Episode Ever™ For REAL

We find Colton IMMEDIATELY after the last rose ceremony.  He's stressing out about fantasy suites and Chris comes to chat.... and seemingly prepares to tell Colton about the birds and the bees???

But Colton conquers his Greatest Fear™ and manages to go tell the girls that they are headed to PORTUGAL!!!!!

His first date is with Tayshia.  She of course Jump Hugs™ him because that's a proper greeting.  (I have to think that years and years of that would lead to some massive lower back pain...)

He says they have a great day planned because they are in a part of Portugal that is known to be "magical"... wow... such area specific descriptors!  They fly around and discuss the exports of Portugal, which I first think has to be the dumbest thing ever, but then we find out WHY they chose Portugal and it's ALL to make a stupid "Extra Vigin Olive Oil" joke... and I died a little inside.

So after flying around, they end up picnicing by a beautiful lighthouse.  They talk about some stuff they haven't done... ha ha.... more virgin jokes.  And kiss a lot.  But he's excited about "intimate conversations" which makes me think maybe Chris DOES need to explain things to him a little bit.

So then they head to the top of the light house and they kiss... again....  and the helicopter circles around and around the lighthouse while the producers clearly are somewhere yelling KISS NOW!!!!!

So they sit down to a lovely... table... and chat.  Tayshia reveals that her first husband cheated on her and Colton blinks a lot.  (Probably cause he's kinda cheating on her right now too but let's not get too specific... at least she knows about it)  He does share that he's "ready to take the next step with her" which is more Bachelor lingo for... who knows what. The envelope with the invitation to the Fantasy Suite is on the table and he invites her there....  Here it COMES COLTON IS GOING TO LOSE HIS VIRGINITY TO TAYSHIA!!!!  (at least that's what she's thinking)

So Colton and Tayshia wander off to the Fantasy Suite and he gives her a tour... and they feed each other food, and he pops a bottle of champagne... could there be anymore inuendos????  And then they lay down on the bed and he couldn't look less passionate.  But he SHUTS the DOOR and she GIGGLE!!!!  SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!







Nope.  No sex.  But they have a nice "intimate conversation".  Now they are sitting on the couch where his sweatshirt seems to match her pants???  Nice color coordinating.

So he leaves... and Tayshia is left to look off into the... void.... and.. ponder.... why he is still a virgin...

OK!  Cassie's turn!!!!  She greats him with a less effusive Regular Person Hug.

They wander around town and stop in little shops.  At one point, there's a cute octopus plushie and of course the natural next step is to put it on her head...

Here's the deal.  Colton is INTO Cassie.  How do I know?  Cause he can't keep his hands off her butt.  The continue around town with his hands on her tush, and then have a lovely picnic on the corner of a wall.  Which seems really uncomfortable. While on this wall, Colton shares that Cassie's dad did NOT give his blessing which apparently SHOCKED Cassie to her core.  I almost think she thought that he should have let her go because of it, but HELLO he's TOTALLY INTO YOU WAY MORE THAN THE OTHERS!!!!

In front of some lovely floraly bushes, Cassie is VERY upset by the lack of Dad's blessing.  Is it REALLY all that surprising?

Next scene is a guy getting out of a van.  Colton, right.  NO.  CASSIE'S DAD!!!!!  HELLO!!!!!!! HE FLEW ALL THE WAY FROM CALIFORNIA????  (Can you practically see the puppet strings from the producers?)  They sit down and Dad tells her that he's concerned because it's so fast and she's so young and she decides she wants the love her parents have.

Colton has NO idea any of this is going on, so he does the responsible thing before leaving a room... he lights a bunch of candles....

So he's all prepared to WOO Cassie and her touchable butt into the bedoom when she hits him with the news that Dad visited and COLTON DOESN'T SEEM AT ALL SURPRISED.  Now, I'm not saying he WAS surprised, but he sure should have ACTED surprised?  So like 45 minutes of drama ensues where he is telling her that he loves her and she's all "I Love You but I'm not sure I'm IN LOVE with you™"  Thus... she must leave.

 So, in case you haven't really paid attention, this is Colton's Worst Fear™.  Getting to the end and loving someone who doesn't love him back.  He's so upset he's shaking.  He is pulling every word out of the book to convince her to stay, including telling her he wants it to be her at the end (Sorry Hannah... there's no way you're getting a fantasy suite now) and that they don't have to get engaged, he just wants them to keep seeing where it can go.  But she's adament that she just can't know for sure that she's going to love him in the end.

So she gets in the car and drives off.  Weeping uncontrolably.

And Colton FINALLY goes over the fence and runs off into the "Portuguese countryside"... Chris Harris is called to find him, but CAN'T!!!!  WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO COLTON???  IS HE STILL WANDERING THE PORTUGUESE COUNTRYSIDE???

Well duh, not, because he's on Women Tell All the next night.  But I gotta say, this is one of the more dramatic episodes™ of The Bachelor.